8.18.99, midnite

perhaps there is no focus
perhaps the ritual is in
loving what you do or
in this case gravitate towards
          I love you
I want to talk to him
about awareness           like
last night share of
cognitive vision scope
I wanted to touch that
          intelligence I
felt the back of his body
against my stomach as
          I grew sleepy I
could have drifted off just
                    like that
                    like that
perhaps there is no focus
perhaps should learn
to enjoy my journey
or locate a fellow traveler

She said:
          I thought I was the only
          alien around here
thanks for the good time
I am
          at your service

Full now & tired
there is music upstairs
like something lonely
forgotten to be turned off
or just missing
          the effort
it is muffled jazz at
          unusual angle          it
says
          I know just
          how you feel
numb
          I never meant
to lead anyone astray

Backyard          empty in the
          warm half-moon
Boys being boys
          ritual of wine
If he were here this time
          I would tell the truth
warm night has made
me honest          above
two couples          per bed
and I without even
          my charlatan cat

men have left me
and I let them go

I am one who never
makes room

*          *          *

          I made me this way
          I engaged all the sins
                    last night
                              save one
          if he had lifted a finger - - I
          wonder if he realized
          how easy it would have
                              been

it used to be something
to BE somebody in
          this world
now it is an amazing
          feat to disappear
blend in I want to be

noon

OFF again
I shot
a day
in two
additional info
needed to
process mis-
          interpreted
dreams voice
comes over
phone wire
do what
gotta do
I wish
someone would
make a
decision for
me or
just lay
it to
rest trudge
up street
with un-purchased
dictionaries in
mind spend
my time
repairing egos
instead this
is not
my job
I worry
too much
about my
affect on
the world
how self
     ish
of me
or at
least what
is it
that makes
me think
people's live
     lihoods
are contingent
upon my
          decisions?
If a
bird falls
from a
tree in
a forest
and no
one is
there to
catch it
do philosophers
sigh and
turn the
page regretfully
          yours,
          danika