8/2 0950 (oops it's not midnight it's morning)

let's the moon.  let's talk.  i hear.

it's lonely here in politics.  the friends
don't mean a thing.
instead they mean a task performed
or maybe they're the caterers.

somebody shows up in a suit
at the door looking marvelous.
got a minivan full of good
food and several servants

here and now on the porch
or in the backyard.  what is
no
in a situation like this.

i feel my own feet leave
the threshold, step onto the
porch and my own voice echoes
yes set up here and in
the back, thanks for being

prompt, i look at my watch
wondering who else will arrive.

deliberations, postures.  it was so
impossible to keep myself in check
around you i wanted
a freedom a depth a motion a

companionship

then it was all about you.
it was about the terrible option
of you not writing back to me,
the terrible loss of someone's presence
here with me, the terrible loss
of parting without having properly
said goodbye.

so damn the goodbyes now
i hated saying them then
and haven't really gotten
any better.  "Later," "See
you," "Call me," "Thanksbye"
which is not a goodbye not
really.

the tearing of death.  what
you and i have lost.  can
it be borne that we
should lose each other?

this space
so did i love Aleks, do i love Alec,
i feel like i'm negotiating a new bondage
the next phase of love for
figures in the phrasing
and you - is it you or is it this experience we share?
how can we tell the dancer from the dance? Isadora Duncan
those speeches in grade school.  it comes with me
as far as i let it i guess
i guess i let it

-----------------

8/2 noonish

spit the poison. spit it
out
spititout.

i keep
moving

moving is what i keep
moving is the whatness of keeping
moving is the whatness of allmoving
?horses are the whatnesses of allhorse?

reJoyceing.  a person a word a rose.
to neologize is futilism.

fealty feudal - fuel all feud all
futile feadal dividing of words into us
us into words
as parts of speech we

life sentence.

channels into the old   these symbols of
chaining back where it all began
oh there's a love nest/ on Tom Tiddler's Ground
oh there's a love nest/ on Tom Tiddler's Grou ou ou ound oh
there's a love nest/ on Tom Tiddler's Grou ou ou ound
long before E eden
Was lost and found

Roy Harper hats off to you musician friend in mind
The San Franciscos of our dreams and whose
thoughs will be the gate for me
into who me
into, who, me? into "Who, me?"
into who, me?
into who, Me?
into Who, Me?
into Who, me?
into whom e comer e biber como
como se dice
thoughs will be the gate for me
those will be the
gate for me

chainchainchain         chain of
foools.

lovers are drivewhat of whoare
arewhat are lovers of drivewho
ofwhat are drivers of lovers
                              lovers

shto vot

i never thought of him as someone i had to take care of, no
it was that this interaction was so precious
so unspeakably vital
that i was to give the best to it, give everything to it
and though
the interaction occurred so
rarely

i gave directions to someone today
a woman going to the same place i was

the interaction occurred so
rarely
oh i was to give to it as most beautiful beautiful lifesustaining for-me
for-you
life dare i be a part of you
dared i be a part of his life
and ever so hard i
strive, yes i was striving
to be worthy of being a part of your life
hoping each peanut i did not drop as you poured
them into my hands
was a fact of yes i will
i will
keep you
i will you
will keep moving i will you
keep moving

we move, Isadora we are
dancing        how can you
how can you
tell the dancer
from the dance?
to be worthy of being to being worthy of be
a part

and we wrote letters
letters
we wrote letters to each other i wrote letters to you you wrote letters to me

letters
and i would tell everyone about you "I heard from Aleks today!" I say
Hakan called you Rat Boy
said you looked like a rat if he know who I was talking about

you do not look like a rat to me
although in the flash of Hakan's description I saw the ratness of you
and understood the ratness in people
the allrat of peopleness

the parts of our speech we

and what else these part
ial stories

and turning over a new leaf blows down and turns over
it is an unsayable goodbye of unspeakable proportions

lets get down to the telling this time
let's tell the time let's tell let's part let's be parts

of our speech what now?
what is the nowness of our speech?

among other things
i am waiting for a letter from you
only

differently this time

every action has an equal and opposite reaction
stories
high
fruitfalls
what now what nowness

so am I? still
was I ever worth e of being
a part of your life
worth schwa of being a part of you
worth schwa of be ing a youpart of whatness
worth what of being a schwa part of youness
worthy of being
me in your life
or worthy of being someone else in your life
or worthy of being me at all
at all at allness at

the poemness of thispoem

a colaborative love, a decentralized
centerless
a keeping moving of youme meyou usworld allwhat
horseness                            look

coming down to the Third Ring of the Circus and we've
"Who's Really Homosexual?"
and it's not a collaborative love that's a scorn to call it
but no a collaborative psychological survival and hello goodbye

i can survive without you
i must survive without you
i must survive with out you
i must survive out
i must

now what

is it really dyketime at the Acropolis?
you who whatkept melife Aleks a reason
for me to drag sorry rapedup dyke butt off floormattress
to computerlab email from Aleks today?  not in months

the unspeakableness of nuance
the spokenness of the speakable the nuance of the speakable
is it dyke if it doesn't know it yet
whosit  my little whosit in the plastic chair
Control-X to send if I were
to reply
there is nothing to reply to right now
except
shto vot

and yet I can't end it this way

this way i must ideate must keep moving
crunch, crunch shows on snowy gravel
i am still in the rotting wet oak leaf versions of my soul
when you write soul over sole it looks like self
i mean when i just did that now on the page it looks like self
on the page ha ha lover sleeping next to the wall
who's the fairest of them all?  whiteladyjustice

i yearn for the bran muffin in my knapsack
what Acropolis and what dyketime
Alec am I ever gonna hear from you again
and how can you respect me now knowing i could not
sleep next to you anymore
but rather got up and smoked Parliaments all dawn
and desperately read Ulysses, on the porch?

i mean i'd like to see a wholeearth version of whole earth   i mean
earthshine earthrise Earthdawn the last gay closeted coming-out
boyfriend's roleplaying campaign

the rotting wet oak leaves i left myself in the graveyard there
with Sergey
who is long gone
from that boneyard  he left it that day
me i'm still there somehow
though here

though is the gate
and what could i do
but get up
and smoke all dawn and read desperately,
Ulysses,
on the porch?

and me who could not stay in those men's beds
in my bed those men so i got up
and smoked all dawn and read desperately, Ulysses
on the porch the earlymorning pretense of a thunderstorm
and back i go backporching Sergey long gone a part
of my sentence already written already spoken already read ready
get set
go

go five law of fives   riding in the Volvo last night back from Ubu Roi
in Boston without Alec
a credible whiteness to imitate being Russianness  say more about this
and yet with Alec friend in mind

mybody here by the tree arse over woodchips Parliament in my left
hand pen in my right this Providence town of plastic whosit mind
who sit and in what chair
the wooden chairs of our latenight companioning
shto vot but the chairness of the plastic chair is it wooden chair
dreaming my Cherokee Irish Welsh Belgian African Ute British
Jewish American ancestors
what's the opposite of ancestor  Alec asks

best i can come up with is progeny
not quite it
bodies in motion tend to stay in motion
bodies at rest tend to stay at rest
whitelady blindjustice plastic whosit  chairness of allchair
bodies of work
Bo Dies Of Work
Susan died of a failure of analysis     writes E.L. Doctorow in
The Book of Daniel

guess i never failed analysis i do take math classes i did fail
calculus though
what happens if i fail the study of continuous processes?
the symbolization of the motion?
the photograph of great grandpa
the cheekbones of mom the eyes of dad
the loneliness of this body getting up to smoke in the dawn and
desperately read Ulysses

peace and thinkthrough thought though

shto vot